So where do I start? I guess that’s a good enough place. I have trouble with my starts. With writing, it takes me some time to come up with a good enough formative to fit my story into. It’s not some kind of a big-bang, where “poof!” a perfect fitting of words spills onto this page. No. These thoughts take time. These words gradually crease at the edge of my brain until they are finally spilled from my fingers and in finality, onto the screen of your computer or smart-device. Sort of like a “waterfall of sentences” if you want some diminutive imagery. This kind of framework also takes place in my decision-making. I don’t just explode with a quick decision. I need time. I need more pieces of the puzzle to fit, more angles to align themselves. Despite any opposing vibes you might have gotten from me, I like to think about things. I don’t just jump into things. Well… Most of the time.
A lot of it probably has to do with fear. I know I probably should just follow through with something, but fear falters my step. I get the “what ifs” flooding at me from all directions and suddenly my judgment becomes cloudy. I think God knew full well the kind of hesitancy that often interferes with what He has planned for me. I’m not saying God wants all of us to be erratic, undiscerning beings, but there are times he wants us to step off the boat and not ask twice. So when it came to making the decision to do a DTS (Discipleship Training School-), I had to take that leap off the “boat” and out of my comfort zone.
“If you want to do this, do it now.” Those were my cousin (or second cousin) Bethany’s words. She and my great-aunt were the ones who really drove me to go the YWAM direction. Bethany had pushed her lap top my way, she had the application for a YWAM DTS in Madison, Wisconsin on the screen, right there in front of me. My head was screaming at the time. All the “what-ifs” were swarming at me like I had just kicked open a nest of wasps. What about college? You need to stay with the program. What will your friends say? What about money? You can’t afford this. You sure you’re missionary material? I had already voiced my interest in YWAM. I had been talking to my aunt and my cousin and they had already explained the whole process of DTS to me in great detail. It sounded exciting and frightening to me all at once. Now I was faced with the decision, and it was coming at me fast.
“Now?” I looked at my cousin Beth, but I wasn’t questioning her as much as I was myself. Was I really going to do this? I had to admit, the timing was actually perfect. Only a couple of weeks ago I had rededicated myself to the Lord while I was at my aunt‘s conference. Now I was here in Florida, as part of my family’s summer vacation visiting relatives. I had been asking God what he wanted from me, and I was unsure of a lot when it came to what I would do when I went back home. Is this what you want, God? There was no question in my mind at that point, though. It wasn’t like God said “Becka, this is me.” out of the blank air, but I knew, deep inside, that this was His calling. This was his desire for me. He knew this was a dream that was buried deep inside me, and he was bringing it out once again.
So I did it. I filled out the application, and sent it on its way. I went back home. I worked my dead-end job. I waited for the call. I waited for the knowing. Time elapsed into a long and foreboding silence, or it seemed long to me, as I realized each day that I was just itching to this have this happen. I wanted this more than anything now. When the phone finally rang, it wasn’t what I expected. They didn’t say “I’m sorry, we just can’t accept you at this time”, and they didn’t tell me that I was in either. Instead the woman on the phone said they had prayed over my application, and they would gladly accept me into their DTS, but I also had another option. I could choose to go to a whole other DTS, this one in Ozark, Arkansas. It was called the Outdoor Adventure DTS, and after spending a long time praying over my application, she told me they felt like I should just check this base out and pray about it myself.
I hung up confused. God. Why couldn’t you just make this simpler? I wrote Ozark Outdoor Adventure DTS and Madison Wisconsin on a blank sheet of paper as if I planned on doing some kind of eenie-meanie-miney-moe-thing eventually. Honestly, my new option was extremely enticing. Outdoor Adventure DTS- it sounded perfect for me. Aside from preposterous poison ivy I loved the outdoors, and adventure has always been my middle name. However, I didn’t want this to be about me. I needed to pray about it. The lady at the YWAM Madison base needed an answer by the end of the week so I spent that week praying.
I called my cousin Bethany, and talked some of it over with her. She seemed to like this new choice too. I prayed over the options, but never felt much of a change. I wanted God to just say it. Make it clearer than day that this was the direction he wanted me to take. That never happened. I remember digging my nails into my scalp, clinging to my head and wondering. Seriously? I’ve waited this long, now you’re making me wait on you again? Silence.
I talked to my Aunt Jenny that week and she said something that helped me out enormously. “God isn’t going to write you off for anything. You’re doing this whole thing for him, don’t stress that you’re going to mess the whole thing up by choosing wrong.” I realized that there really wasn’t a wrong choice, that it was possible that my heart was leaning towards a certain direction because that was the direction God had already planned for me. So I called the Madison lady, told her my choice she told me I would be waiting for a call from Ozark to know for sure if they could accept me. A little wait later and I answered the phone to the voice of a very preppy woman on the other line.
“You’ve been accepted to YWAM Ozarks’ DTS!” She told me, excitement making her voice go an octave higher. My heart jumped and I remember shouting “really!?” The excitable woman told me I would have to fill out some more extensive medical information, but otherwise, I was all good! I ran to my mom, announced the news with eyes wet with joy and started jumping and squealing with her like we were two little girls. I was happy to see her so excited over this, like I had gotten accepted to Harvard or something. Finally, I was in. So there’s a start for you.
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